Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize