The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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