and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize