He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Randomize
