im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
