She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
