I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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