Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
