the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
