Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
