If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
COCAINE IS GR8
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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