all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The convent might be a nice break from real life
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
