Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
