I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
