Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
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