dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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