I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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