The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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