Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize