i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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