i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
