theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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