Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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