I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
