My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
