where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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