Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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