i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
