God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
