I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Girls should come with a carfax report
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
