I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize