I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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