you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
BRING THE BAGELS
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
