I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
