I'm going to rape someone's good day.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
