I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
