Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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