i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
