Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
