My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
