You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
