Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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