If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Randomize
