Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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