I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
