But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
