Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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