I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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