sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize