My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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