I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
