youre lurking in front of me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize