I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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