So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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