Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize