Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
