Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I cockslap morals
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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