So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
